196 posts tagged “movies”
David Cronenberg has expressed interest in doing a sequel to Eastern Promises (true!).
Why?
My theory: there was not enough of Viggo Mortensen's bouncing testicles to satisfy the great director in the first film. The sequel will feature a box in the lower right corner of the screen, displaying a constant close-up detail of Viggo's junk. It'll be like closed-captioning, but with a cock-and-balls.
You heard it HERE!
So, I have never seen Last House on the Left, Wes Craven's original, seminal rape-and-torture exploitation movie, and with a potentially good remake coming out this weekend that I plan to see, I figured it might be a good idea to check it out. They have the "full movie" on YouTube, and the reason I just put that phrase in quotes is because the movie they have up appears to have most of the truly transgressive acts of sadism and gore edited out of it.* That is disappointing, and hardly the ideal conditions in which to view this movie, but I figured, if a movie is good, the lack of the extreme shock scenes won't cripple it too badly, right?
Wrong.
As far as I can tell, those bits are the ONLY effective parts of the movie. It is amateurishly acted, indifferently filmed, and often just plain stupid. It has a bizarre folkbilly soundtrack that is truly embarrassing whenever it rears its ugly head. As far as I could tell, the movie's reputation is built solely on how far Craven and his crew went with the scenes that were excised from the YouTube presentation, because there's nothing else of merit.
I'm feeling better and better about the remake. If the film-makers of this new version know anything at all about how to make a movie, they practically can't help but to accidentally put together a better picture.
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*Ironically, a documentary about the movie, which is also up at YouTube, contains a lot of this edited footage. I guess it's okay to show it within the contect of a documentary, but not in the actual movie? I am confused.
I enjoyed it immensely. The actors were excellent across the board, even the much-maligned Malin Ackerman. Jackie Earl Haley and Billy Crudup both gave spectacular performances with serious physical limitations. It is funny, thrilling, sad, and everything any reasonable viewer would want from the best possible film adaptation of a famously "unfilmable" graphic novel. If you have niggling little issues with trifling details here and there, or if you are seriously bemoaning the lack of a ridiculous giant space squid, you are an irretrievable nerd and you need to stop ejaculating on your comic-book collection if you want to talk film with me.
Thumbs up, four stars, blah blah blah, go see it.
Share your favorite winter photograph.
I went to see Friday the 13th this afternoon. How awesome was it? Let's just say that if I was using the Hustler Magazine rating system, this film would be a Fully Erect. It is a perfect rebooting of the franchise, actually treating this ridiculous character from this low-budget series of sleazy hackfests with something approaching reverence. I enjoyed the fuck out of myself, and if you like this sort of thing, I highly recommend that you see this as soon as possible.
I checked out the ratings at Rotten Tomatoes afterward, and you can read them here. FUCK A MOVIE CRITIC. These guys never have and will never understand the appeal of these films. This movie is far and away the best thing ever released under the Friday the 13th title, and these pretentious fuckers just yawn and go, "Blah, more of the same, boobs, kill, blah, blah, hockey mask, blah." Yeah, exactly: THAT'S THE FUCKING APPEAL OF THE SERIES, DOUCHEBAGS. The film-makers got it right this time, which they haven't done in about six movies.
I wonder what these jagoff critics think when they watch porn? "Oh, blah, blah, fellatio, ho-hum, naked chicks, vagina, ejaculation, blah."
Nobody watches a Friday film for artistic merit, but guess what? This movie has it. Sorry if that confuses you, assholes.
Link.
My favorite thing? The Leone-esque titles.
Quickly: the movie is a technical marvel, the 3D is amazing, blah blah, beautiful, blah blah blah.
What I want to talk about is the diminishing returns of Neil Gaiman's bullshit storytelling. I really don't get why this guy is such a big deal. I've read a couple of his books, and other than his prose style having an appealing Britishness about it, I have not been impressed. All he does is take the standard fairy tale tropes, change the fabric on the curtains, re-carpet the place and then try to convince you that you've moved locations. (If you find that metaphor confusing, don't feel too bad: Jill didn't have any idea what I was talking about when I laid it on her in the car, and it is admittedly shoddy.)
A story about a neglected child who wants more excitement in her life and a wicked witch who uses trickery to try to ensnare her is not a new story idea. The idea of dolls as creepy or avatars for humans is not new. In short, there is nothing in this story that you haven't heard a million times before, and I'm sorry, but I need more than some musty old fairy tale horseshit. It's got all of the usual magical-talisman garbage in the third act, and Coraline even makes a wager with the wicked witch, which is Fairy Tale Wicked-Witch Defeating 101.
The animation and the voice acting and the production design is all top-notch, but I probably won't find myself revisiting this film because the story is utter crap. I enjoyed the experience of just looking at the movie, but it didn't engage my brain, and I'm not going to praise it more than it deserves just because I have a nostalgic soft spot for handmade stop-motion animation.
First Jessica Alba is revealed to have a brain and now this. I don't know what the world's coming to. I am confused and frightened, like an old man at a gay pride parade.
Baldwin and Hopkins are both excellent, giving better performances than a film about a killer bear really deserves. Some aspects of the film might strain credulity, but then again, some elements of Jaws do the same, and what is this if not Jaws in a forest? Baldwin is chief Brody re-imagined as a sleazeball, and Hopkins is a sort of Hooper/Quint hybrid (the closest thing this movie has to a full-fledged Quint gets left behind at the lodge, which is too bad).
This flick doesn't get the props it deserves, which is too bad, since it might contain one of Hopkins' best post-Oscar performances. Any movie that offers us the rare treat of watching a revered Shakespearean thespian and Knight of the Realm shoving a sharpened stake in a roaring bear's face while calling him a motherfucker needs to be re-appraised by the critical elite.
