18 posts tagged “dialogue”
While at the downtown library, I am approached by a woman in Standard Crazy Person attire, smiling beatifically.
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Crazy Woman: [Approximately translated from The Crazy from memory] People measure behavior! We have happiness, sadness, and freedom! [Nods as if to say, "Yep!"]
Me: Lovely. [Gives strained, frightened smile and scurries away]
While being waved into a parking spot at the temple, shortly after talking about the Special Olympics.
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Me: Oh, look, they even have a "special" guy directing traffic.
Jill: No, Kevin, that's just a Boy Scout.
While listening to a mysterious voice singing somewhere outside.
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Me: Is something mystical happening outside?
Jill: I don't know.
Me (going to the door to listen): I think somebody's having a religious experience out there.
Jill: Could be.
Me: As long as they don't get any on me!
Jill: I hear it's sticky.
Me: "Don't get your God-jizz all over me!"
While discussing a painful cat-scratch on Jill's arm.
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Nanda: You know, mom, they say lemon juice helps it feel better.
Me: Right, Nanda. Your mom's dumb enough to fall for that.
Jill: Hey! Watch it, mister.
Me: What? That was sarcasm!
Jill: Oh, yeah? It sounded like DEATH-casm!
While discussing Jill's son and his friend, and how weird they are.
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Me: They're not particularly weird, they're just 13.
Jill: Really? You think all 13-year olds are like that?
Me: For instance, when we were 13, we thought that everything we were saying was clever and hilarious, but it was probably just as bizarre and irritating as Nanda and his friends. I was a spaz at 13.
Jill: Well, that's you. I was boosting cars and smoking in the bathroom and running around...
Me: Yeah, not everybody's 13th year is a Motley Crue song.
After watching one of those creepy new Chester Cheetah commercials.
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Jill: They're encouraging everybody to be assholes. Two assholes don't make a right.
While discussing the grocery list.
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Me: We have buns, right?
Jill: Yes.
Me: Are they little buns? Do you want some nice big ones?
Jill: They're not big buns. If you want big buns, get those.
Me: Whatever, do you want big buns?
Jill: I don't care, but I know you like them.
Me: Yes, I do like big buns. (pause) I cannot lie.
Jill: Okay, that's it, I'm never talking to you again.
Me: (laughing)
Jill: When people ask me, "How come you never talk to Kevin anymore?", this is why.
Me: (still laughing) All the while we were talking, my mind was working overtime: "How can I work a Sir Mix-A-Lot joke in here?"
After buying chocolates from a small independent chocolate store, or "factory" if you prefer.
Me (leaving the store): Oh, my god! Did you see those people sitting down behind the counter?
Jill: Yes!
Me: They were midgets!
Jill: I know!
Me: This chocolate store actually employs Oompa-Loompas!
Later, we sang the Oompa-Loompa song, at which point Jill commented:
Jill: We're totally going to hell.
* * * * *
While we were walking through an outdoor mall.
Jill: There's Ben's Cookies.
Me: What?
Jill: Ben's Cookies.
Me: Oh! I thought you said "Men's Cookies". I was wondering, "what are men's cookies? Cookies shaped like vaginas?"
* * * * *
While discussing band names.
Me: I don't think The Killers would get so much pop radio play if they were called "The Rapists".
While watching Hugh Jackman's opening number.
Me (whispered loudly in Jill's ear): Hugh Jackman is ostensibly straight!
Jill: It's a good thing he's a song and dance man, or all this gayness would have to come out some other way.
* * * * *
While watching Robert Pattinson of Twilight and Amanda Seyfried of Mamma Mia! present a compilation of "romantic" clips.
Me: Ahh, I see they are satisfying the "shitty movie" demographic.
Me (as Pattinson speaks): I didn't know that guy was English.
Jill: Why isn't he sparkling?
* * * * *
As they would show Mickey Rourke through the evening.
Jill: Why doesn't somebody make him wash his hair? (or) What's up with the sunglasses? (or) What's up with that outfit?
Me: He's Mickey Rourke.
* * * * *
As Sarah Jessica Parker presents.
Jill: Whoa! Her tits are enormous! Did she get a boob job?
Me: I don't think so.
Jill: That must be a serious bra.
Me: I think there's some major architecture under there.
* * * * *
As the "Best Song" candidates are being performed.
Me: Okay, that's it. First Freida Pinto, and now these ladies have me convinced that all Indian woman are beautiful.
Jill: If you can make it to puberty over there, and you're still pretty, it's pretty much a guarantee that you'll be a movie star.
* * * * *
As Heath Ledger wins the "Best Supporting Actor" Award
Me: I bet Robert Downey, Jr. is all, "Grrr! Why did that fucker have to die? This was my year!"
Me: Jesus, is everybody going to cry?
Jill: Yes. You don't want to be the one person caught with a dry eye.
While half-ass wrestling on the sofa with Jill.
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Me: Stop being stronger and faster than me!
